last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
