I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
