sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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