Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
