If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
