sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
