I love black thongs
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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