She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
