you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
