Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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