You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
