If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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