Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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