are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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