i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
