Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
