I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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