He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
