Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize