God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
