your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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