I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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