She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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