need another drink. this is the easiest way
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
