if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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