we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
