At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
