I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
