plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
