I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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