I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
