lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
