you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
