She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
