I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
