also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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