When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
