So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize