She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
