I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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