I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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