the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
