I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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