I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
