it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
