____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
