Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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