where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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