I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
