farters have to be the big spoon...
zippers are such a cool invention
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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