so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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