just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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