My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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