You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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