I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
