I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize