You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
