If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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