I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
