I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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