y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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