Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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