By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
