I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
