Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
