I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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