the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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