Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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