Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
