Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
